… Feeling the financial pinch? With the cost of living crisis escalating, we all need to find ways to be a bit more thrifty. Luckily, if there’s one thing this government knows, it’s how to save themselves some serious cash. As the leadership bid ramps up, here’s a run-down of classic money-saving tips from the Tories to help you through this recession! 👇👇
1. Move your money off-shore 🏖
A great way to save some much-needed pennies is to stop paying tax. Brilliant! Simply move your money to a small and boring off-shore trust fund to enjoy your wealth AND our public services. It’s completely legal (sort of).
How to get started:
If you’d like to find out more, chat to Member of Parliament and two-time runner for Prime Minister, Sajid Javid. As an advocate for tax transparency, he’ll surely be happy to talk about his own offshore trust fund, and how he set it up. Or Rishi Sunak’s wife, Akshata Murty who has saved £20 million in tax with her own off-shore shelf company. And the billionaire’s daughter still stands to save a further £280 million. Thrifty! Or you could ping an email to Nadhim Zahawi. The previous Chancellor of the Exchequer and Secretary of State for Education is a fan of this money-saving hack. He’s connected to two off-shore trusts. After all, if you’re a minister with £100+ million in the bank, why SHOULD you pay tax?
2. Ask your mate for a contract 📜
Need a bit of extra salary? Don’t worry. Have a word with your mate in government. You’ll have a whole bunch of cash in no time. No need to stress about record-keeping either. Or delivering the goods.
How to get started
If you went to school with our former Minister for Health, Matt Hancock, you may already have a contract! He awarded £500 million of public money to his buddies. And there was no competition.
Other useful people to be friends with include Micheal Gove, who helped his pals at Mellor Designs secure £16.4 million. What a mate! After they had donated money to his leadership bid of course. As you start this hack, it helps to think of a donation more as an investment.
Cabinet Officer Minister Lord Agnew is another classic go-to. This generous Lord fast-tracked more than £500 million to his mates. Or you could opt for Health department advisor Lord Feldman, who swept £50 million over to three companies. He knows them well because his friend and conservative peer Lord Chadlington sits on the board of the parent company. Lucky! Baroness Mone is also generous with her friends, awarding contracts upwards of £200 million. (More on her below). If you went to school with one of these crafty parliamentarians, or know someone who did, you might just qualify for a multi-million-pound contract… no competence required! Just set up a business and off you go.
3. Raise your rents, while expensing your home 🏠
A great way to save money is by not paying for your own home. Rent out an expensive place in the city, and simply send the bill to the public. Nice! After all, why SHOULDN’T someone else cover your rent?
If you already own a home or two, don’t worry. You can still take advantage of this hack. Just rent out your spare properties and pocket the cash on the side. Easy!
How to get started:
Follow the lead of the 16 MPs who claim £1.3 million a year in rent from taxpayers, while they let out their own homes.
Tory MP for Peterborough, Paul Bristow, is a particular fan of this hack. He lets out three different properties in London, all while expensing his own rent in the capital. That’s what taxpayer money is there for, right?
4. Ask for a (second or third) job in government 💰
An easy money-making hack is to ask for a job in government. Don’t worry if you don’t have much time. Take Priti Patel’s husband, for example, he was paid £25,000 of public money to be his wife’s “office manager”. (Wink wink). Since it was his third job, Patel’s husband couldn’t do much either, but he still raked in that glorious cash. If you’ve got a spouse or lover in office, you might just bag yourself some passive income.
How to get started:
For inspiration, look no further than Boris’ girls (the depressing government version of Bond girls). Carrie Symonds used her oral skills to secure a role on the office floor. Ex-model and pole dancer Jennifer Accuri received £126,000 of public funds from Johnson after providing “technology” lessons to him in her Shoreditch flat. And another woman, who has not been named, also reported that Johnson tried to swing her a prestigious job in City Hall, during their sexual relationship in 2017. It’s easy!
5. Use your platform to sell your stuff 💸
Don’t waste valuable media appearances! Think of the BBC as your own personal e-bay and get flogging. Those apartments are not going to sell themselves!
How to get started
Follow the lead of Tory peer, Baroness Mone, who happily plugged her boyfriend’s £250 million Dubai property development firm on the BBC.
If you don’t have any apartments to sell, don’t worry! Try selling titles instead. That’s what they’re there for! Ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson sold a peerage to banker and businessman Peter Cruddas, after receiving a £1.1 million donation. Easy.
6. Get a donor 💲
If someone is offering you money, you’d be silly to turn them away! A favourite money-making hack among Tory MPs is to accept donations from fossil fuel companies like BP. It’s estimated that oil companies have handed over at least £5 million to Conservative MPs over the past ten years, so make sure you get your share!
How to get started:
Ask Nadhim Zahawi for an introduction. This Conservative MP for Stratford-on-Avon has pocketed more than £1 million from fossil fuel companies. Until 2018, he was also the chief strategy officer for Gulf Keystone Petroleum. Which shouldn’t influence his policies on climate change at all. Especially not the tidy leaving bonus of £285,000.
7. Join a board of directors 👴👴👴👴
Making money doesn’t need to be stressful! Just look at former Foreign Office Minister Alan Duncan (no relation of mine thank f**k), who received £8,000 a month for attending just three meetings a year. Smart! Like so many other ministers, Duncan chose to take money from an oil company. It’s one thing to sell your soul, but only a true Tory Money Saving Genius can sell out the planet too. Nice one Duncs!
How to get started
If you want some tips on how you can destroy the planet for money, look no further than the majority of Tory MPs. Alistair Burt, John Hayes, Conor Burns, Priti Patel… They just can’t get enough of that slippery blood money. While they also get paid by the people to protect our future. Who needs a moral compass when you have a double salary?
Secure a public position, arrange some drinks with fossil fuel conglomerates, oppose a few climate laws and watch your bank account magically fill up. Easy!
8. Never pay for your own stuff 🛍
When it comes to money-savvy Tories, there’s one rule that has stood the test of time… Don’t pay for your own stuff. Holidays? Get someone else to pay. Wallpaper? Get someone else to pay. A treehouse for your kids? Get someone else to pay. Once you get into the habit, you’ll notice how effortless it is to save money.
How to get started
If you’re already in office and you’re wondering where to begin, property companies are one of the most generous sectors. It’s estimated that Tory ministers receive £17,500 in donations every single day from this group. Since 2019, Tories have collected gifts worth more than £10 million from this bunch of building firms.
But they are not the only ones! People from all walks of life are out there, trying to give you things. By simply accepting it and doing what they ask, you’ll have loads more cash! Brilliant! Easy peasy lemon corruption.
9. Don’t pay for your kids (… or acknowledge them) 👶
Here’s a great money-saving hack that almost anyone can try. If you find that you’re struggling for cash … can’t afford that wine your mistress likes, or employ two full-time cleaners anymore … consider cutting out one or more children. If you already have several, you probably won’t even notice! Not paying for your kids is a brilliant way to reclaim some of those much-needed savings.
How to get started
Simply don’t pay. And if anyone questions your integrity, fire them. Alternatively, if you can’t fire them, consider the well-used Johnsonite technique of spewing out nonsense until they leave you alone…Try out a few classic adjectives like, “hogwhimpering”, “mutton-headed” or “boondoggle” to get going. Standard conversational topics include sombreros, letter boxes or Peppa Pig.
10. Expense the heating for your horses’ stables 🐴
Horses need heating too! And why should you be the one to pay for it? Expense the heating in your stables, just like Nadhim Zahawi. Don’t worry if you get caught. Defend it. Then when that doesn’t work, laugh it off and claim it was a mistake. A “genuine mistake”.
How to get started
There’s no need to limit yourself to horses! Expense the costs of everything. You could even take a leaf out of Labour’s book and expense a porno. Why not? It’s only public money.
11. Save money on haircuts 👱♂️
Why bother looking presentable? Save yourself a few pennies and get the “dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards” look all in one!
How to get started
Boris Johnson has a great money-saving hack when it comes to haircuts. Instead of getting a trim, (allegedly) get your hairdresser pregnant instead! Brilliant. Follow Step 9 to enjoy double savings!
Oh… and get your earrings from Claire’s! 💩
Prime Minister hopeful Liz Truss was in the news recently for her thrifty ways. Apparently she buys her earrings from Claire’s Accessories. Umm… ok. Something most of us haven’t done since we were tweens. And even less of us would admit to. Nadine Dorris heralded Truss as a kind of thrifty genius because of this cringey finding. But Dorris missed a trick. Because the cost of a pair of earrings is nothing compared to the hundreds of millions stolen by our government. If they want to brag about their money-saving hacks, they should do it properly. That’s what inspired this article.
From dodgy contracts to tax evasion, corruption to piss-taking expenses, this government really knows how to rake in (our) cash.
